Fades with the Rain
by DianaLineelu2001
Summary: 3x9At the time after Goku turns into Seitan Taisen. He pretends that he didn’t know what he had done. He smiles and laughs, pretends that he is their usual bakasaru. But he understands that some certain days, the mask will slip off his face, especi


**Fades With The Rain**

**Category**: Saiyuki

**Genre**: Angst/Romance

**Author**: Diana Lineelu2001

**Pairing**: 3x9, a little 5x8

**Warning**: Shonen-ai, and lil' bit of cursing (Don't worry, it won't be too violent), someone goes suicidal but don't worry, no death. (I won't write something about death when it's near Christmas. That's too evil) - Oh yes, English is not my first language so bear with my bad English, alright? I'll try to improve.

**Special appearance**: Yami no Matsuei Tsuzuki Asato and Kurosaki Hisoka will play a very small part at the end of the story.

**Summary**: Centered at the time after Goku turns into Seitan Taisen. _He pretends that he didn't know what he had done. He smiles and laughs, pretends that he is their usual baka-saru. But he understands that some certain days, the mask will slip off his face, especially when it rains._

**Disclaimer**: I honestly didn't see the point to put this up! I mean, come on...(duh!) Everyone knows that Kazuya Minekura is the owner of this wonderful Saiyuki story. You can't expect a _so_ average student like me to own Saiyuki, don't you?

Well, hi! Long time no see. This is my 2nd Saiyuki fic. I'm sorry if it's not so good but trust me, I've tried my best! Well, I warn you all from the start that the- suppose-to–be- 'romance' part in my story is quite lame. (I don't know why, but the scene won't come out right! Grr...) Some of the characters might be OOC but I think they'll really act out that way if the situation demands. Anyway, I think I should stop blabbering now. So, enjoy! (I hope)

----

_Sometimes, I wish that I would just fade away with the rain..._ anonymous, Song of Rain

Goku bandages Sanzo's wound slowly and cautiously. Not even once does he dares to look into his caretaker's eyes.

"I did this to you, Sanzo?" Goku asks softly. Sanzo merely nods. His gazes at the brunette never waver. He knows Goku feels guilty, no, scratch that, _extremely_ guilty. He didn't know why does the stupid monkey has the tendency to claim every single thing that goes wrong in their journey as his fault. What a pain in the neck. He hopes that the boy would just simply get over that matter because he's not in the mood to comfort anyone at the moment.

"Ne, Sanzo..." Goku looks up after his job done. "Yesterday, at the place where I...I turn into Seitan Taisen, I see um...a woman and a little boy whose heart has been ripped out (1). Who did that?" He knows, he already knows whose hands that heartlessly pulls the life away from their body. But he wants to make sure...

"None of your damn business! All that you have to know is that the murderer wasn't you!" Sanzo rises up from his bed and walks to the window. He lights up his cigarette and stares out of the window. Goku blinks in confusion and pain. Sanzo didn't tell him the truth because he wants to protect him but at the same time he addresses Goku as a 'murderer'. Still, it's true nonetheless...

"Ahaha...really? What a relief! I feel hungry when I'm happy, can you bring me to the restaurant Sanzo?" He laughs sheepishly and scratches the back of his head. Somehow, something in Goku's tone makes Sanzo feels uncomfortable. But he ignores it. Why should he worry so much? Goku is, after all, a simpleton.

"Aa..." he knows that it's uncharacteristic of him to simply give in but a part in his heart really wants to reach out to the boy. There's a part of him that says he should put things right as soon as possible. But what had gone wrong? He didn't know...

----

Within these 3 days, Sanzo feels so uneasy. During this period, he often tries to touch the connection of soul between him and Goku. He tries to reach Goku's inner voice but most of the time he will only hear the unnerving silence. He tries to reach into Goku's mind but he finds himself slams into a barrier.

It's damn annoying. Since when does Goku keep secret? Since when does Goku put up a barrier? Why didn't he say anything in Sanzo's mind anymore? He tries to touch the barrier and feels some of the emotion that oozes out from it. Each time, he has to withdraw because he can only feel pain and despair...

Sanzo wipes his face with his hand. It's so hot. He really hopes that they will reach another town very soon so that he will get himself a nice, cold bath. Sanzo's eyes stares at the rear mirror. Goku looks fine. In fact, he didn't seem to be sad at all. He is laughing, fighting and smiling at the moment. He looks so...normal. But where did the emotions comes from then?

Maybe...maybe Goku is acting. But the boy surely is not good at such a thing! After all, Sanzo wouldn't be that dumb to not realize that! If Goku pretends that he's happy, his eyes wouldn't lights up, right? There must be a flaw in all pretense right?

'It's not impossible,' his mind says, "if the actor is best of the best." The golden haired monk rubs his temple, he never thoughts that Goku could be such a complicated puzzle.

"Ne Sanzo, daijoubu desu ka?" a voice behinds him asks. For a while, the silence in his head shattered by a concerned voice.

"Aa..." he replies. At that instant, his soul is left alone again. The mind contact is withdrawn. _No, I'm not gonna be alright if you're not._

_----_

_But there will be a day that the puzzle will be completed. There will be a day that we found the missing pieces..._

It's raining...Sanzo curses mentally. It's really stupid of him to share the same room with Hakkai when it rains. He usually will pick up Goku to be with him at such a time. At least, the monkey's incessant chatter and concern would distract him a bit from the forever haunting memories. Hakkai...well he wouldn't be a good company during rain. At this moment, Hakkai lies on his bed and practically do nothing.

Speaking of him, he wonders what the silly boy is doing now. Probably sleeping...Sanzo wouldn't admit it out loud but he finds the boy incredibly adorable when he sleeps. Or maybe he's eating, well-

His thought is rudely cut out by the bang sound the door produces when it hits the wall. Goyjo is standing there; his face is as pale as a sheet of paper. Hakkai immediately comes to his 'partner's side, pouring out his concern at the red haired guy.

"Couldn't you at least open the door in a normal manner?!" Sanzo snarl. He better has a good reason to interrupt his peace or else he will shoot Gojyo's brain!

"Goku...Goku's letter...." he says with a shaking tone. Okay, now he gets Sanzo's full attention.

"Just now, I lie in my bed. The boy, he seems to be quite strange. He's...a little bit depressed. Then, I see him writes something and cries in the process. I didn't give it a damn because I thought that you argue with him or something like that. You once warn me not to interfere into your business, right? After some time, I fall asleep. When I wake up, I see this next to my pillow..." He gives the letter to his green eyed lover. The said man hastily opens the letter. His eyes widen in the process.

"Sanzo, we better find Goku...now!" his voice is equally shaky like Gojyo. Sanzo could see intense fear in his eyes...

----

"Goku!!!"

"Goku!!!"

Sanzo hates rain. No, he despised rain with all of his heart! First reason is, it brings bad memories to him. Second reason, it makes their journey pauses. Third reason, it makes his quest on searching for his boy becomes harder. As if mocking him, the rain falls heavier. Sanzo mutters chains of curses under his breath. He could only see things that are really near to him.

The pound of rain is very hard in his ears but his heartbeat is even more than that. Where is his saru? What will he do? At such a time, he leans heavily on the connection of soul between him and Goku. But it fails him...his saru didn't responds. For the first time, Genjyo Sanzo feels intense fear, the kind of fear that threatens to eat up your whole soul...

_Sanzo, you shine like the sun...you're my sun._

_----_

_Dear Sanzo, Hakkai and Gojyo,_

_Someone from my past had once told me that we'll think better during the rain. I used to trust what he said but now...I don't. I can't seem to throw the dark thoughts away from my mind. I feel like the rain is pouring on my body...dark, cold and miserable. I used to believe that I am strong enough to overcome this but now I don't. I don't have any trust in myself anymore. I can't take it anymore. I've hurt and cause too much troubles to all people around me. I hate myself._

"Stupid saru will always be a stupid saru. I thought that his stay with Sanzo will make him learn something but hell no! He brains remains empty! He didn't cause all those trouble to us!! It just happens!" Gojyo speaks angrily as he brushes his wet hair away from his face. Where is that baka saru, little brother of his?

That letter is not just a letter. It's a revelation of a mask. All this while, Goku had been pretending like Sanzo...Hakkai and...him. He gives his smiles to them, to give them strength. He will always be there to comfort him but he keeps his feelings to himself. Gojyo starts to realize how selfish they had been. They are not there when he needs them. He is not there when Goku needs him.

_Why do you hate your hair Gojyo? I love it, it looks like fire..._

_----_

_I do know what I've done when I become Seitan Taisen. Do you know how it feels to see yourself hurt the innocent ones and you can't control it? I have been desperate to gain control over myself but I fail. I killed the woman and her son like how I killed the Tenkai soldiers 500 years ago. They had nothing to do with all this mess but I take their life away. This guilt is hurting me so much I can barely breathe. _

_I wish I could cry...I wish I could tell you but I know, you do have your own problems. I didn't want to burden all of you anymore with my childishness. I'm not worth of you worries and cares but you gave it to me. You honestly didn't know how much all that does means to me. You accepted me with open arms...I have never feel loved so much before._

_That's why I can't forgive myself when I hurt all of you. You almost get killed the second time, by me... Each time I stare at my hands, I can only see bloods. I'm tainted with the blood of my loved ones, your blood. I feel disgusted and nausea. I am truly a monster._

So, he does know about his past. Green orbs shut for a moment. The cold rain stings his eyes, or is it the tears? He didn't know anymore. His mind is in such disarray that it refuses to think properly. Only one thing is clear, he needs to save Goku. From the letter, he knows where the boy is leading himself to.

"Come back Goku, it's not your fault!" his whole mind, heart and soul screams. Please, don't plays hide and seek anymore. Please give them the chance to mend their mistakes. Goku had once saved him when he reaches the edge. He really do hope that he could do the same to the boy...

_Hakkai, I love the colour of your eyes, it's so beautiful..._

_----_

_I had once caused your death in your past. Karma will repeat itself. Sanzo, when you found me, I hesitate to reach your hand...I fear I will do the same thing all over again. At first, things go out fine...but after my first attack on you, I had started to fear myself. If things continue this way, I will ends up killing you. It hurts so much to see the ones you love dies, I'm sure all of you had learned that. But, it hurts so much more when you are the one who kills them. It feels as if you killed yourself._

_Sanzo...thank you for everything. I'm sorry that I've hurt you. There's so much more I want to say but I know it won't come out right because we don't need words between us. You do know how I feel right? You're the only one..._

_Hakkai, Gojyo...thank you and I'm sorry. Sayonara..._

_Sincerely,_

_Son Goku._

The heck with all those shits!! Why that little runt does care too much about all those things? He promised him to say by Sanzo's side forever but he left...Goku said that he is Goku's sun, well Goku is his everything!! All those promises that Goku once gave him...doesn't all that mean anything to Goku?

He furiously stares at the things around him, well great luck he has because he could see nothing at all! Just rain, rain and rain!!

"_Sanzo..."_ a voice in his head whispers. Sanzo turns his head. It's Goku...but where is he?

"_Sanzo...I love you_."

Finally, after painstakingly walking through the rain, he could see a silhouette under a tree. Sanzo runs towards the tree and kneels onto the ground. It's Goku. But Sanzo is far from glad. Bloods is everywhere around the boy. It seems that he had cut his throat with a sharp knife. The monks leans his ear on the boy's chest. He could hear his heartbeat but it's so faint...

He quickly scoops the boy in his arms and rushes towards the inn. He knows that he had taken too much things for granted but please, don't take Goku away from him. He is Sanzo's treasure.

----

Hakkai wipes his hand with a clean cloth. Then, he sits next to Goku and brushes the bangs from his forehead. A single tear falls from Hakkai's eyes. He couldn't believe that Goku could turn suicidal. His once tanned skin is now a pale shade of white. He looks so thin, vulnerable and broken. This is another side of him...Gojyo puts his hands on Hakkai's shoulder.

"He...maybe would never wake up," Hakkai whispers.

"Is he dead?" Gojyo says with great difficulty.

"No, he locks his consciousness away. He drowns himself into the deepest part of him. Maybe we should just..."

"No, I refuse to give him up. Please...bear with me, Hakkai, Gojyo," Sanzo turns his face away from them but they know, he is crying. The two man nods their head. Sanzo approaches Goku and grips Goku's hand. It's cold...

----

It had been two days, it had been two shitting days he watches the boy. He didn't regain his consciousness. Sanzo could almost swear that the boy is dead if not because of his breathing. He runs his fingers along Goku's neck, the wound haven't heals properly. Even if it does, it'll leave an ugly scar there. He hates to see that...it's a remembrance of his mistakes.

Gojyo and Hakkai sits near a table in the room. Both have grim expression on their faces. Their held each others' hand as if it is their lifeline.

Suddenly, a bright light emits from the middle of the room. All three heads turn around. When the light dies out, they see two figures standing on the spot. One of them is a tall man with dark brown hair and amethyst eyes; another is a teenage boy with wheat brown hair and emerald eyes. Who are they?!

"We are Shinigami God of Death. My name is Tsuzuki Asato and this is Kurosaki Hisoka," the taller man speaks.

"You want to take him away?" Sanzo finds it's suddenly hard to breathe. His whole body feels weak.

"It depends...we receive a report that Son Goku's soul is hovering between the line of life and death. It seems that he's confused. He wants to die but something in this world keeps on pulling him back. The committee of the candle says he's not supposed to die yet, maybe you could convince him to come back?" the younger one whose name is Hisoka speaks.

"How?" All three of them speak at the same time. They would do anything just to bring him back. Tsuzuki blinks his eyes, they are really eager indeed to bring the boy back.

"Well, we're informed that a man named Genjyo Sanzo has his soul connected to Son Goku's. He could try to use the soul binding as communicator equipment between them," Tsuzuki explains. Sanzo shakes his head; his hope is crumbling into pieces.

"He didn't allow me to. He set up a barrier..."

Hisoka stares at him for a while. He then closes his eyes.

"Keep on trying. The barrier will eventually melt when it feels warmth and love. No one would be able to push all that away..." he says softly.

----

Goku curls himself into a small ball. He wants to get the eternal sleep but his body refuses to move. He feels like there is something in the living world that he forgets. What is it? His head hurts each time he thinks of it.

"Goku..." a voice whispers. Goku looks up. Sanzo stands in front of him. His eyes soft and sad... Goku quickly scrambles on his feet and tries to run. Shit, he's too preoccupied with this matter until he forgets to put his barrier in place! He's not fast enough; Sanzo grabs his arm and pulls him into a hug.

"Let go of me," Goku whimpers. Instead, Sanzo's embrace becomes back please. You promised me that you'll stay with me forever...don't leave me please, Goku," Sanzo pleads. For the first time in his life, he lowers his pride and pleads to someone.

"I don't deserve you...I will hurt...you," Goku cries. Unconsciously, he hugs the man back.

"You won't hurt me Goku. I know you won't. I can't live without you...what's the point of living a hundred years if you're not by my side? What's the point of breathing when the air that I breathe is not the same as yours? Tell me..." He wouldn't let him go. He would rather stay here forever just to be with his only lover.

Goku sobs uncontrollably in his arms.

----

Hakkai and Gojyo stares at the two figures in front of them. Both Sanzo and Goku have tears on their cheeks. They wonder what had happened. A few hours later, the golden orbs open slowly. His eyes look around wearily. Why the heck his neck does throbs dully? Oh yes, he cuts it.

Suddenly, he feels himself being pulled up slowly and cautiously. Someone, no...3 people hug him. Damn it, his brain is still too hazy, it's so slow in interpreting things at the moment. It takes him time to realize that it's Sanzo, Gojyo and Hakkai.

"Don't scare us like that anymore, you stupid monkey!" Gojyo says fondly.

"You're worth our worries and concerns, Goku. You're our family," Hakkai whispers. Slowly, the boy hugs them back and cries. Sanzo didn't say anything but it should be that way. Like what Goku had written, he didn't have to say it out loud; he'll hear Sanzo in his soul.

" I won't..."

_Because I found myself a home,_

_A place where I'm accepted because I am me,_

_A place where my mistakes will always be forgiven,_

_A place where I will never run out of love and care,_

_This is my heaven..._

"Let's go!" Tsuzuki winks at Hisoka as both of them fades into nothingness. 'We wish you all the best.'

_Life is beautiful indeed..._

O.W.A.R.I

Okay, I know this is not so good. But please, I'm not a professional and I honestly had tried my best. Please, please, please drop a review and if you want to flame me, do it in a kind way okay? Love you all!

(1) Forgive me for being a little morbid but honestly, you can't expect me to write a _beautiful_ way of death when it concerns Seitan Taisen, right?_DianaLineelu2001_7/12/2004


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